A Plead to the one that got away?

First of all I would not really label it as a plead, but rather an understanding. You view me as an evil and dishonest person. It is not me who is the dishonest one. I have tried numerous times for you to understand, and while you never will, and neither will your friends; I am sorry for anything that you has made you view me as you do. I am not the one doing any of this unfortunate stuff to you. You are a great guy with great and respectable qualities. I know you could careless about what I say or think but it is something that I am pleading for you to understand. I can be angry at you and will NEVER be the same person because of my relationship with you, but I would and will never take it out on you as you and your friends claim I am/have. You have ruined so much for me and have broken me emotionally and physically. I can feel how I feel about you and I know how that is and you are just going to have to accept it. I will never be able to feel safe again with someone in my life. I will always distrust most of the people around me and being with someone new is something I will never fully allow. I can't. You have taken that ability away from me. I loved you and thought for the most part it would be something I could do. I trusted you and let you in when I should not have.

So many people blame me and see me as an ugly, promiscuous, and feared person, because of the way you have perceived me to others. Instead of keeping a promise you made to me which was to be there and be a friend. Calling me names such as weirdo don't really hurt me because I know I am not what you think. Your friends may have there own minds but you sometimes do not. They all (including you) have so much hatred towards me when I am not the person you/they should have that anger towards. I am good, but now I am broken and fear everyone around me. I sleep with one eye opened and lay with my heart closed so tight. I can never be the same Hunter again, because you have made so many people hurt me, and fear me when they have no reason to fear and be scared of me. It is this mysterious person who you should fear, and again IT IS NOT ME.
You get to live your life, and I have to pick up every piece you broke and fix things you broke. Like I said I respect you and your family and friends and I am sorry they got involved in all of this drama. I truly am. This is just so you understand how I have had to deal with reticule, harsh, and sometimes hostile behavior from people who claim it is because of you. I will always have you in my heart and love you. You have changed me, and know everything I told you was true and anything I did to hurt you I am deeply sorry. I'm waiting, the ball is now in your court.

I'm gonna need you to read this.

After time and time again, I find myself getting into really deep deep depressions. I am walking in a town were it has been said to me (in texts mind you) that I am not wanted here, and that I am some crazy person. Just let it be known, I find it amusing and that so many people choose the route of immaturity when it comes to discussing someone else. It is as if people have nothing else better to do with their time, so the first thing that comes to mind is "Hey, you know that Hunter kid?" And no I am not saying that I am so special that everyone talks about me, or that the world revolves around myself, trust me I may be gay, but I am not that egotistical that I think everyone speaks of my name ALL the time. I just find it intriguing that so many people talk about me, who have never met me. (Just because I was in a class with you, or saw you on campus does not mean you know me, or just because you "heard" something about me from my ex or his friends or whomever doesn't make it true or make it to where you know me) It is as if so many people or should I refer to them as children in this town of close mindedness forgot where the lines of truth and lies meet. I would never speak about someone I did not know in a bad manner. Trust me when I say I have in the past bad mouthed someone, but have seen the damage it can do, and I had to work hard to undo that damage.
Is your life so boring and uneventful that when someone makes a comment about me or my life, that you have to one up them into process by making something up about me? I can just imagine the conversation:

"That kid Hunter, he is crazy"
"Oh, yeah I know he is crazy and will kill you"
"Oh yeah, well I know he is crazy, will kill you and kill your mom"

First of all this conversation if it has been or something similar has happened, mind you it is a bunch of bullshit. I am by no means crazy or the type of person that would harm another human being. I have much more important things to do in my life and hurting someone physically would rid me of my future, and to put it pretty forward not one person in my life is worth fucking my life up for just because I think they're are an asshole and earth would function much better if they were not around me. If you have something to say about me then how about it be something that has been confirmed by someone such as hmmm I don't know...me. Many people have said things about me that are simply not true. Lie on top of lie on top of lie that has gotten out of control. I prefer the respectable approach. The age old rule, if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all.
Of course there are exceptions to this rule. If you did something cruel to someone, grow a pair and have the common decency to apologize. I find that when someone tells me things that have been said about me I simply laugh it off. I think it is hilarious people make up stuff about me. So to clear the air from the funk that is lingering let me make a few things a little more clear for ya. ok?

* I am not a stalker of any kind. I don't send texts and I don't watch people.
* I am a very honest person, learning my lessons from the past and making rights of my wrongs.
* I DID have a very serious head injury during the summer which caused me to lose three years of memory. Retro-Grade Amnesia for the medically inclined.
* I did have a small case of Hodgkin's Lymphoma in my neck which was removed during surgery.
* I was with Zach for only three months and have remembered our relationship through speaking to him and slowly remembering things. But for the record he is a good guy who during our time together did bad things. He cheated twice and lied, he slept with my neighbor three days after I did, but with all do respect that does not make him a bad person.
* Don't ask me if he has herpes I don't know...I just know I don't have Herpes, AIDS, or any kind of STD you could think of so move on.
* I have not stalked Zach or any of his friends after our break up or before. I know this for sure and have had a few people confirm it for me.
* If you are the person who is stalking Zach and I, and you're reading this. I would thank you kindly if you get over yourself and move on to someone with much more time on their hands and have the patience to deal with your inappropriate behavior. If you were gonna kill me like you have texted all my friends you are going to, you would have done it by now...Same with Zach he may be a lot of things but he does not deserve to die or have anything bad happen to him.
* To walk around campus and have your mommy and daddy say you fear for your life when your at school because I am there is ridiculous. Might wanna turn the mirror around and look at who the crazy one is.

Now that I have stepped on my soap box and spoke about what I feel is necessary, must I ask you to Shut the Fuck up about me please. Parents and the close minded children that stand next to them, Put the breaks on when you feel the need to speak my name. Learn the truth about me and the situation before you believe everything people tell you, and if you claim to be a "Christian" then remember that God is the only one who can be judgmental of me and you acting out as you do and choosing to protray yourself as a good Christian just is not that fitting for you, you might need a bigger size, that shirt you're wearing covered in bullshit fits a little to tight. I write this because I know the truth, and have no reason to cover it up. I am who I am and pretty much could careless why you feel the need to lie about the real me. I am simply speaking about myself and putting you all in your place. When you are ready to pull your head out of your ass you know where to find me, because I am not going anywhere, but your junior high called me,they want their drama back. So could you please do me a favor and kindly pass it back to were it belongs. I am done with it and you should too.

This is "cutting" into my weekend.

Having surgery this weekend on my neck...Hopefully this will remove all of the cancer in my neck. I am praying it works. Wish me luck everyone : )

A little thought for the day...the weekend...the month.

Sometimes I wonder if this is what was meant to be. Sometimes I just needed someone to say it's not my fault I'm not insane

The Evolution of Sadness

Today is Thursday. I am stating the obvious because by now I should be out of the hole I am in. Every time I see him, I cry. Not for what he did, but the way he made me feel. With some many other things going on in my life such as my job, radio station promotions, and a plethora of other things, as well as the world turning and stock markets crashing, why am I not feeling better about myself.
What am I becoming? When I meet someone, I am so scared in getting to actually get to know this person because someone will inevitably get into their mind and say something that makes them not want to be my friend. How can someone do so much damage in such a short amount of time? How is someone so blind to see that yes three months...maybe a "blip" to you, but a lot happened in those three months that makes all the difference. I put my heart out there for you. Now I am nothing to you? A mere way for oxygen to be converted into carbon dioxide? You don't think for yourself, you think how others want you too. Your choices are poor, and you lie to people to get what you need to. I am not a suspect in any part of your life, or what has happened, yet you label me as one, refusing to see the truth. Sgt. and others have told me I am innocent, now where is my apology? When can I be happy again? Zach, I ask you that. When? You, yes you, have done so much damage it is like I am a person who doesn't know who he is anymore.
You have made me question everything in my life. My family, my friends, and my heart, and my love. I don't know how to do it. Why is so easy for you to walk away from someone who really liked you. Loved you. Loves you? I don't even know why I am writing this when no one will read it and it will probably never get to Zach in the first place. I just know who I am becoming is closed off, and scared. Because of you. Please see that. I am innocent. My word is true, unlike yours.

For the Tired and the bored.

I am sitting at work, after trying to deal with the frustrations of getting a parking place on campus. I had to be here at work at 10:00 am but class is not until noon. I am just bored and writing things on here to pass the time of my day. I am leaving here to go to class in a bit, and then after that coming back to work for a little bit. Wondering so many things. Last night was kind of a difficult night. Watching Sex and the City the Movie. I don't remember seeing it but I know Zach was the last person I saw it with. It was a little depressing. It was like I was watching a mirror of things that had somewhat happened to me. Hope the day gets better. I'll smoke a cigarette and see if it gets better. Here is hoping.

Complications float away.

I know that my last posting was a bit angry in tone. For that I am sorry because at the time of me writing it I was...well...angry. I have not been able to update for a little but only because Houston/Huntsville, Texas was hit by hurricane Ike. There was substantial damage to areas of both cities. Everyone is doing fine for the most part and I pray for those still suffering from the damage Ike left behind. My family and I suffered slight damage from a tree falling onto the roof of our house, and our backyard fence being completely taken away. Power came back this past Sunday, but went out the next day. I was happy to know my family was okay seeing at I left on the Saturday the hurricane was scheduled to hit our area. This whole occurrence gave me time to reflect and take a step back and think, seeing as it was the only thing to do with no power.
I am trying my best to not sweat the small things in my life. If someone does not like me then there is really nothing I can do about it. Yes, people will say many things about me (many of them not true) but I can not set them straight or make them feel any differently. What goes around comes around. In time the people that have come into my life and have turned their back on me or cheated or betrayed me will get theirs. I most likely will not be present to see it, but it will happen. I wish nothing but the best for the people that I fell in love with, only to have to learn how to fall out of it. I still love them very much and know that in time they will learn right from wrong.
I have to take things with a grain of salt and try to not let it bother me, but at the same time not a day goes by that I don't sit for maybe a minute and think about what might of been, or why did he or they have to be like this? Will I ever know? Most likely not and many of the questions that I have in my mind will never been answered. Even with Greg I know that there is good in him, but it is something that only he can find and I hope now that this situation is hopefully ratifying itself, and life can get back to as normal as possible. I am still bitter somewhat but it is fading, but I am becoming someone different. I am wondering if I like this different person I am noticing.

Until next time.

Guilty until proven innocent.

I am understanding that we live in a world where people will not always agree on things. People will have their differences and fight or argue about them, but in the end most mature people are adults about the situation and move on or make up. In my case it is not like that.
Let me explain. For the past four and a half months I have been in what I would call a less then desirable situation. I have had an individual who I lived with for sometime take fate and life into his own hands. Using coincidence to his advantage and causing more trouble for not only me, but people in my life. With so many things happening around me, and with this person (who shall remain nameless) causing panic around me I finally went to someone who I could talk to about these situations and help me keep sane during all of it.
This is what I got from most of our conversations. He explained to me after what I had told him, that:

"Many people, such as this person, feed off the convenient coincidences that occur around you. He knows that in the type of situation you will be the one blamed for it. He uses this in order to stay under the radar and remain unknown. By doing the things he is doing, he also is smart enough to know that no one will be able to track him back to it, especially if he is doing it in a way that makes you (myself) look more guilty. In his mind, since he is able to see your actions and he knows how your mind works (in a way), he is able to know how you will act in a situation. He knows how you will react when being accused of something you know you did not do, but other people, because of the coincidences, will not look at it as such and in turn point the finger at you because in their eyes it is easier to do so instead of talking about it civilly."

Putting all of this information together and deep in thought while smoking a cigarette, I could not help but think "What did I do?" how did I treat someone so badly that they would stalk me and my ex and his friends to the point of taking every single one of them out of my life? Apologizing makes it better, but how can you be sure when someone is telling you they are sorry that they actually mean it? It makes it much more frustrating when all you want is to be able to say you're sorry and please stop, but all you can do is do your best to stay away from it.

The thing that upsets me the most about this situation is not being trusted. Having my ex befriend people who I am (or was) involved with and tarnish my name. Blaming me for situations that I have had nothing to do with. It made me think about why if he doesn't want to be in a relationship, then why be in one with the neighbor? You knew I liked him yet you perpetuate the situation by going over there. You want me to get on with my life, but how can I when I still love you and seeing you with the neighbor only makes it that much more difficult to be able to walk away. I gave my word. How about you?

I really just stay on my own side (even when the ex comes over next door and feels the need to sneak around and hurt me) and know that what I am being accused of on so many levels, I am innocent. I would rather the neighbors and my ex, and his current understand that while you point the finger of blame at me, you have three fingers pointing right back at you. I have never and would never accuse anyone of anything when I know that they would never do anything like that, and to me my ex knows me well enough to understand I am better then this. But until that day comes and he realizes the truth of the matter. I am guilty until proven innocent.