It never is how you want it.

I have come to many conclusions over the past months. Many of them are confirmed by the many people around me. My friends who help me when I need them the most. I always wanted to be happy and find that special someone who would be "the one". Now I realize that "the one" just might not exist. It is as though many of men in our world have forgotten how to be civil, polite, trustworthy and admit their mistakes. But over the past few months I see myself becoming someone I am comfortable with, but at the same time find it hard to be this person.
I see and have many times had it pointed out to me that I am becoming or sometimes act like my ex Zach. From what I understand he was immature and emotionally unavailable. I see myself becoming in a way not immature, but emotionally unavailable at times. I feel because of this ex I am becoming so closed off not ready to let anyone in that I feel might hurt me. I have been told I act so different, and sometimes I become well like him. I DO NOT want to be him by any means. He is a great guy, but he is his own person. I have become cut off, not getting close, and become so distant from getting to know someone, I come off as an asshole.
I some ways I see why when I was with Zach why I became such a turn off and annoyance to him. I was told I always texted his friends asking why Zach was so distant and if he really loved me. I see why that was so draining. So time consuming. I am scared of getting into a relationship because I don't want to behave as he did when we were together, but I feel I am doing that now. Shutting anyone out who might want to love me. I am sorry for being so paranoid about his actions while together. I mean he did betray and cheat on me, but part of feels like I drove him to do just that. I will never be that way with anyone ever again. In all honesty it might take some serious time before I can ever give someone my trust and heart again. I hate every minute of it. I am changing and tired of being viewed as someone I am not.
Stalker I am not, harm I could and would never cause and honest I always am. I love you, and sorry for doing just that.