Wednesday, September 24, 2008
For the Tired and the bored.
I am sitting at work, after trying to deal with the frustrations of getting a parking place on campus. I had to be here at work at 10:00 am but class is not until noon. I am just bored and writing things on here to pass the time of my day. I am leaving here to go to class in a bit, and then after that coming back to work for a little bit. Wondering so many things. Last night was kind of a difficult night. Watching Sex and the City the Movie. I don't remember seeing it but I know Zach was the last person I saw it with. It was a little depressing. It was like I was watching a mirror of things that had somewhat happened to me. Hope the day gets better. I'll smoke a cigarette and see if it gets better. Here is hoping.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Complications float away.
I know that my last posting was a bit angry in tone. For that I am sorry because at the time of me writing it I was...well...angry. I have not been able to update for a little but only because Houston/Huntsville, Texas was hit by hurricane Ike. There was substantial damage to areas of both cities. Everyone is doing fine for the most part and I pray for those still suffering from the damage Ike left behind. My family and I suffered slight damage from a tree falling onto the roof of our house, and our backyard fence being completely taken away. Power came back this past Sunday, but went out the next day. I was happy to know my family was okay seeing at I left on the Saturday the hurricane was scheduled to hit our area. This whole occurrence gave me time to reflect and take a step back and think, seeing as it was the only thing to do with no power.
I am trying my best to not sweat the small things in my life. If someone does not like me then there is really nothing I can do about it. Yes, people will say many things about me (many of them not true) but I can not set them straight or make them feel any differently. What goes around comes around. In time the people that have come into my life and have turned their back on me or cheated or betrayed me will get theirs. I most likely will not be present to see it, but it will happen. I wish nothing but the best for the people that I fell in love with, only to have to learn how to fall out of it. I still love them very much and know that in time they will learn right from wrong.
I have to take things with a grain of salt and try to not let it bother me, but at the same time not a day goes by that I don't sit for maybe a minute and think about what might of been, or why did he or they have to be like this? Will I ever know? Most likely not and many of the questions that I have in my mind will never been answered. Even with Greg I know that there is good in him, but it is something that only he can find and I hope now that this situation is hopefully ratifying itself, and life can get back to as normal as possible. I am still bitter somewhat but it is fading, but I am becoming someone different. I am wondering if I like this different person I am noticing.
Until next time.
I am trying my best to not sweat the small things in my life. If someone does not like me then there is really nothing I can do about it. Yes, people will say many things about me (many of them not true) but I can not set them straight or make them feel any differently. What goes around comes around. In time the people that have come into my life and have turned their back on me or cheated or betrayed me will get theirs. I most likely will not be present to see it, but it will happen. I wish nothing but the best for the people that I fell in love with, only to have to learn how to fall out of it. I still love them very much and know that in time they will learn right from wrong.
I have to take things with a grain of salt and try to not let it bother me, but at the same time not a day goes by that I don't sit for maybe a minute and think about what might of been, or why did he or they have to be like this? Will I ever know? Most likely not and many of the questions that I have in my mind will never been answered. Even with Greg I know that there is good in him, but it is something that only he can find and I hope now that this situation is hopefully ratifying itself, and life can get back to as normal as possible. I am still bitter somewhat but it is fading, but I am becoming someone different. I am wondering if I like this different person I am noticing.
Until next time.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Guilty until proven innocent.
I am understanding that we live in a world where people will not always agree on things. People will have their differences and fight or argue about them, but in the end most mature people are adults about the situation and move on or make up. In my case it is not like that.
Let me explain. For the past four and a half months I have been in what I would call a less then desirable situation. I have had an individual who I lived with for sometime take fate and life into his own hands. Using coincidence to his advantage and causing more trouble for not only me, but people in my life. With so many things happening around me, and with this person (who shall remain nameless) causing panic around me I finally went to someone who I could talk to about these situations and help me keep sane during all of it.
This is what I got from most of our conversations. He explained to me after what I had told him, that:
"Many people, such as this person, feed off the convenient coincidences that occur around you. He knows that in the type of situation you will be the one blamed for it. He uses this in order to stay under the radar and remain unknown. By doing the things he is doing, he also is smart enough to know that no one will be able to track him back to it, especially if he is doing it in a way that makes you (myself) look more guilty. In his mind, since he is able to see your actions and he knows how your mind works (in a way), he is able to know how you will act in a situation. He knows how you will react when being accused of something you know you did not do, but other people, because of the coincidences, will not look at it as such and in turn point the finger at you because in their eyes it is easier to do so instead of talking about it civilly."
Putting all of this information together and deep in thought while smoking a cigarette, I could not help but think "What did I do?" how did I treat someone so badly that they would stalk me and my ex and his friends to the point of taking every single one of them out of my life? Apologizing makes it better, but how can you be sure when someone is telling you they are sorry that they actually mean it? It makes it much more frustrating when all you want is to be able to say you're sorry and please stop, but all you can do is do your best to stay away from it.
The thing that upsets me the most about this situation is not being trusted. Having my ex befriend people who I am (or was) involved with and tarnish my name. Blaming me for situations that I have had nothing to do with. It made me think about why if he doesn't want to be in a relationship, then why be in one with the neighbor? You knew I liked him yet you perpetuate the situation by going over there. You want me to get on with my life, but how can I when I still love you and seeing you with the neighbor only makes it that much more difficult to be able to walk away. I gave my word. How about you?
I really just stay on my own side (even when the ex comes over next door and feels the need to sneak around and hurt me) and know that what I am being accused of on so many levels, I am innocent. I would rather the neighbors and my ex, and his current understand that while you point the finger of blame at me, you have three fingers pointing right back at you. I have never and would never accuse anyone of anything when I know that they would never do anything like that, and to me my ex knows me well enough to understand I am better then this. But until that day comes and he realizes the truth of the matter. I am guilty until proven innocent.
Let me explain. For the past four and a half months I have been in what I would call a less then desirable situation. I have had an individual who I lived with for sometime take fate and life into his own hands. Using coincidence to his advantage and causing more trouble for not only me, but people in my life. With so many things happening around me, and with this person (who shall remain nameless) causing panic around me I finally went to someone who I could talk to about these situations and help me keep sane during all of it.
This is what I got from most of our conversations. He explained to me after what I had told him, that:
"Many people, such as this person, feed off the convenient coincidences that occur around you. He knows that in the type of situation you will be the one blamed for it. He uses this in order to stay under the radar and remain unknown. By doing the things he is doing, he also is smart enough to know that no one will be able to track him back to it, especially if he is doing it in a way that makes you (myself) look more guilty. In his mind, since he is able to see your actions and he knows how your mind works (in a way), he is able to know how you will act in a situation. He knows how you will react when being accused of something you know you did not do, but other people, because of the coincidences, will not look at it as such and in turn point the finger at you because in their eyes it is easier to do so instead of talking about it civilly."
Putting all of this information together and deep in thought while smoking a cigarette, I could not help but think "What did I do?" how did I treat someone so badly that they would stalk me and my ex and his friends to the point of taking every single one of them out of my life? Apologizing makes it better, but how can you be sure when someone is telling you they are sorry that they actually mean it? It makes it much more frustrating when all you want is to be able to say you're sorry and please stop, but all you can do is do your best to stay away from it.
The thing that upsets me the most about this situation is not being trusted. Having my ex befriend people who I am (or was) involved with and tarnish my name. Blaming me for situations that I have had nothing to do with. It made me think about why if he doesn't want to be in a relationship, then why be in one with the neighbor? You knew I liked him yet you perpetuate the situation by going over there. You want me to get on with my life, but how can I when I still love you and seeing you with the neighbor only makes it that much more difficult to be able to walk away. I gave my word. How about you?
I really just stay on my own side (even when the ex comes over next door and feels the need to sneak around and hurt me) and know that what I am being accused of on so many levels, I am innocent. I would rather the neighbors and my ex, and his current understand that while you point the finger of blame at me, you have three fingers pointing right back at you. I have never and would never accuse anyone of anything when I know that they would never do anything like that, and to me my ex knows me well enough to understand I am better then this. But until that day comes and he realizes the truth of the matter. I am guilty until proven innocent.
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